Swords and lies
by MattoidNeko
Summary: When Kenshin is about to leave for Kyoto, he thinks about the lie that Kaoru lives by and about himself. From episode 31 when Kenshin leaves for Kyoto. Oneshot


**Ani-san: " Konichiwa minna-san!"* bows* "This ff is about Kenshin and his thoughts on Kaoru's 'swords that give life' philosophy. On with the story!**

**NOTE: KENSHIN SWITCHES BETWEEN THIS ONE,SESSHA AND I TO CONVEY HIS FEELINGS!"**

**Kenshin: "Ani-san…Sessha really has to?"**

**Ani-san:"YES!"**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin**

Kaoru-dono does not know how innocent and naïve she is.

She has never seen war.

She has never seen blood and death by sword.

She has never wielded a real sword.

She has never killed.

She lives by a lie. A sweet naïve lie that one as blood-stained as sessha could never believe it. That lie is for the young, the innocent, children that don't know anything about pain, sorrow, guilt. It is given to them to protect them. Keep their eyes blinded from reality.

Because reality is not a lie.

"_Swords that give life."_

The art of the sword is the art of killing. Nothing can change that. Even if you paste paper over it and write a new name for it, it is still the same under that paper. It is still learning how to kill.

She is too trusting. She knows I am Battousai, yet she does not give a second thought before asking Sessha to stay.

She trusts too much, she is too naïve.

Sometimes, this one wonders how her parents manage to blind her till she is so pure. She may not be a child of war, but she could have seen someone kill someone else. Even after the war, bandits still kill, slavers still torture.

But she has not.

This one envies her sometimes. Sessha wonders what it would be like if he had lived Kaoru-dono's life. Sessha, naïve and innocent?

I just can't picture that.

It's impossible to picture that. I saw my parents die, I was a slave, I saw three girls who I treated as sisters die to protect me.

I was an assassin who killed hundreds.

I killed Tomoe.

It's almost silly for me to try and even picture it. Why would someone like me, be able to picture myself to be like Kaoru-dono? I'm a baka.

I know why shishou called me baka deshi now. I really am a baka. I was naïve, ran off to war thinking I could change everything with my sword.

I learned the hard way.

I was simply a monster, a demon. I created orphans, widows, nightmares and pain, bloodshed and sorrow.

I was a fool.

I wonder how she can overlook all of this, is Kaoru-dono a baka?

…Sessha is being very rude thinking that.

She worries that sessha will turn into Battousai every time this one fights. Her ki spikes with anxiousness and nervousness. But it is the fear that makes this one sad. Fear that this one will not be the rurouni again, fear that sessha will kill and become the hitokiri.

Kaoru-dono thinks sessha has a split personality, a evil one that kills for excitement, one that revels in seeing blood pour out of a body, one she and this one's friends call battousai.

Sessha does not have such a personality.

Sessha wants to yell at them sometimes, scream and shout that there is no such thing. That when this one 'turns into Battousai' there is no other person coming out.

It's just me hiding all my emotions behind an emotionless mask. That the cold amber eyes they see are nothing but a mask that blocks anyone from seeing any feelings. That I am still a Hitokiri after so many years.

"_But even after so many fights, you still return to your normal self! You are still Kenshin!"_

Kaoru-dono, after every fight, even when this one 'becomes Battousai' there is no need to return to this one's 'normal self' for sessha never did return to his normal self. The rurouni you all see is just a mask. The real me is in between the two masks, neither is me.

Why is it that no one can see this?

Why do you all continue to hold on to the false lie I show you? Sano, Megumi, Yahiko, Kaoru? Why do you not see beyond my false smile, my fake cheerful eyes?

Are you all that naïve?

It is strange that the two who know are the two who are my rivals. Aoshi and Saito.

Sessha slipped into first-perspective again, is this one's mask cracking? Perhaps.

Is that a good thing? I don't know.

I don't even know my real self properly anymore, I wore these two masks on for so long that I can't really remember what I am like. But I do remember that I want to redeem myself, atone for my sins and maybe, just maybe, be able to live a peaceful life.

…Perhaps we are all naïve after all.

But why is it that sessha is upset? Sessha killed in the bakumatsu so that more people would be innocent, never to lay their eyes on blood or war. Sessha tried to use his sword to shield the eyes of those who have yet to see reality,even if that sword was dripping with blood. Sessha did not one anyone else to see reality.

So why is it that this one is upset?

Maybe it is because that sessha wants to be understood as a killer that does not like killing. A demon who feels guilt and pain.

That won't happen, of course.

You stand there, letting a bloodstained killer hug you, tears slipping from your eyes. Why do you cry for this unworthy one?

I hope that one day, I can throw away both masks and live in that sweet naïve lie of yours. Where swords are for giving life, where no one kills, where anyone can be accepted, and no danger exists.

But for a Hitokiri, that's impossible.

Sayonara Kaoru-dono.

"Thank you for everything, this one is is a rurouni, this one must wander again."

I turn, and hear your tears, your cries. But I continue walking.

I love you, but I can't live in your lies.

**Ani-san:"So how was it? A bit of a Kaoru bashing but mostly, it's more like Kenshin bashing himself…-_-||| Anyway, please review! Arigatou minna-san!"**

**Notes:**

**-dono: A honorific. It has more respect than san or sama**

**Battousai: Master of drawing the sword or Master of battou-jutsu.**

**Hitokiri: Assassin**

**Sessha: This unworthy one**

**Baka: Stupid or Idiot**

**Shishou: Master**

**Rurouni: Wanderer**

**Bakumatsu: A war between the shogunate forces and the ishin shishi. In this time, Kenshin was given the title of Hitokiri Battousai.**


End file.
